The art of not giving a fuck - my career choice

Warning: This article is full of swear words, some people can get offended, and I am COMPLETELY HONEST. That means I don't give a fuck if you don't like my opinions or not. I am also calling so much bullshit out, but that's normal for me. Read at your own discretion. 

But hey, maybe this will be motivational for someone. Who knows.

Also, this is the first in my 'not giving a fuck' series. I plan on writing these motivational posts about fashion and general lifestyle. Because people are giving too many fucks. 

People often describe me as 'that one who doesn't give a fuck'. Except for my friends. They know I give maybe too much fucks, given my anxiety friend over there in the corner, a round of applause for him!

Or at least, I gave too many fucks. In the last few months I've learned how to subtly simply not give a fuck. There are times when I change into a bag full of cats just coming down from caffeine high after being drowned in the good ol' lake Anxiety in the Land of Throwing up your last breakfast. But I am getting better!

Thanks to my 'I don't have any fucks left to give since it's Thorsday and I ran out of them like the last time I read Civil War' attitude. 

It started when I got serious about my clothing brand. Until that time I was so fucking scared of everyone judging me, my parents hating me and my colleagues back at the university laughing at me. But then i saw my creations on the catwalk and I knew that's it. But when I came back to lab I knew that working with microorganisms was it. I wanted both. And I said fuck it, I am gonna get both. And so I got onto this really difficult road of juggling two career paths, being a designer genius on one hand and a fluorescence expert on the other was not easy. Many times I didn't know if I chose wisely. And just as many times I said fuckit!!! and just went on. I am so damned happy to have such great friends (Temi, Yuzu, Mari, Mitsu, Iva - I am looking at you!!! ♥) who let me literary word-vomit in their presence and just dump all of my fears onto their living room floor. 

I wanted to create a lolita haute couture, so I started to do just that. It's my escape from the world, from all of my problems, nothing but me and tiny manual work. And people loving my creations? Even better! I am goddamn proud of my babies, I would even say that I am better than like 80% of people creating costumes in Czechia, so I thought to myself 'why the fuck should I not take this chance and just do whatever the fuck the talented me wants?'. And so I gave birth to an haute couture brand and decided that my creations would be for sale. 

Then, of course just to add myself more goddamn stomach ulcers, I had to go and get interested in photography. And so I just fly around taking photos of everyone and learn everything I can because hey, I think my ideas are good and with enough practice I will get somewhere freaking high~!

And so I became a full time seamstress, designer and photographer with my eyes set on Paris's runways and London's galleries.

On the other hand, my PhD. was a really important for me because of many reasons. I've always has issues with self-confidence, and I wanted my parents to have that perfect daughter and to just show my siblings that I am just as great as they are, to show the whole family, in fact, that I am the best and they can go and choke on their hate towards me. Also, I will be completely honest, the awe of others in the lolita community feels good. BUT! Most importantly I was always a science geek. Once upon a time I wanted to go and study astrophysics but then I thought, that's just like all theory and I am too lazy. And so I chose chemistry. Then I chose microorganisms. Then I chose fluorescnce. And here I am! I love it. The work is stressful, many times I wanted to quit, but then I always remember the love (somewhere deep inside buried under all that gay porn, I am sure it is there!) I have for science and somehow I just push through. And then I am sitting back in my room, with a steaming cup of coffee and chillstep on, working on the data and it somehow makes sense! I know perfectly well how Tony felt the first time he flew in one of his suits ♥ Here at postgraduate I have so many opportunities to play with fluorescence and bacteria and to just try out my own ideas, it's perfect. Frustrating, but perfect in the end.

And so I became a full fledged PhD. student with my eyes set on lab work in the future.

People tell me I can't. But I tell them that I motherfucking can and will.

That's my art of not giving a fuck. People's disapproval of my career choices and the difficulties of my chosen life are strewn around like seeds in motherfucking springtime. Sometimes I lie in my bed totally worn out because I did too many things, with my health almost non-existent because I just need to be busy all the fucking time, and think is this it? And I answer yeah, that's it for me! No regrets!

Basically, I have to concentrate on two times the things normal people have, with two jobs and everything, but it's fun. I am not overly sociable (hah, 'not overly' she says, more like an antisocial freak who hates almost everyone) and my mind is always buzzing with new ideas to sometimes even sleep properly (people tell me I  'need to sleep more'. But yeah, try to do that when your mind is a fucking circus on steroids with too many acts going on at once every hour of the day, and that circus doesn't have any damn nightime), and so having this not one but two safe spaces where I can be one or the other half of myself is great. Hard, but I chose it, so it's okay.

I know that my health is not the best. I have weak and not fully functioning heart, no gallbladder, bad lung condition and my blood is a work of what-the-fuck-how-can-you-be-aliveness for fuck's sake. And don't let me start on the issue of my mental health. I don't have anything quite resembling mental health in my life-bag. Maniodepression, anxiety disorder, suicidal tendencies, eating disorder, yeah, a great cocktail for success if I say so myself!

But I think that all of this is exactly what gave me the strength to go on. I knew that I could just drop off anytime and the life is so fucking short to not have a motherfucking party with every goddamn 'bad decision' I apparently made in my life. 

They told me I couldn't do it.

I told them to go and suck someone instead of wasting their life on giving bad advice.

I honed the art of fuckery and I slowly became comfortable when being different. I have many more important things to give a fuck about that my career choice. I decided. And I will fucking stick with that choice even if it kills me (sadly, that is a complete truth according to my doctors).

There are many people that act like dumbasses when giving fucks about things that don't deserve having a fuck given about. I hate that sort of people and so I said, Imma do my own thing.

The moral of this story is - if you want something, just get it! If you are willing to go to hell and back and than to hell again through the village of getting-your-ass-handed-back-to-you, you win! If you are willing to be hated for you choices by idiots with no lives, you are the real hero of your life. If you want something so bad and you know that's fucking it and you have the guts to go for it, then, my dear Frodo, you are the biggest goddamn motherfucker on this planet and you win the fucking lottery.